Catching Up
It was like a dream. A good dream. And you woke up from it. Would it be too selfish if you wish to keep on dreaming?
Ever had that feeling when there’s just too much emotions inside you and you want to write it out, but can’t seem to do so? You can hardly begin because you don’t know where to start. There’s a bit of excitement, confusion, anticipation, longing, even hesitation all mixed up and you can’t contain it anymore. You think that things will turn out in an awkward way and that eventually you’d somehow either feel mad or reserved. It was eight long years, after all. Eight years. Eight years since the last time you actually had a glimpse of that man whom you once loved and cared for. And those feelings just come rushing through your veins, boggling your mind, and banging your heart to make you realize that it’s actually there. You’re in that moment you used to only think of happening. And you know that there’s no other way to get through it than confront it head on. Because at the back of your mind you know for a fact how much you really did want to see him, but was too afraid at how soft your strong guarded heart may turn. But there isn’t other way. There isn’t.
Cues in: ♪♪ Two old friends meet again wearing older faces, talking ‘bout the places they’ve been. Two old sweethearts who fell apart somewhere long ago. How are they to know? Someday they’d meet again and have a need for more than reminiscing. ♪♪
And so there you were in that moment you had been longing for. You acted all strong and fine, but you knew that there was an inner battle happening in your heart. You smiled. He smiled. You tried too hard to not bring up the past, but the past was there and happened for a reason. A good reason. Neither both of you denied each other of that chance to relive the great memories you had together, reminisce and laugh about your crazy moments. You thought that things will turn out in an awkward way and that eventually you’d somehow either feel mad or reserved. On the contrary, everything seemed fine, smooth and perhaps, overwhelming, too. You felt the sudden jolt of happiness ‘cause you never really thought that both of you can still talk to each other at such ease and comfort. You didn’t think that he would still open his heart to you and share inspiring and funny stories. But he did. And you were so glad he did. “Do I feel some distance?”, you asked yourself. But you didn’t really feel it. Yes, there were silent moments, but the feeling seemed to still be the same as it used to. You were surprised at how comfortable you still felt and was able to be in front of him and at how much familiarity you still perceive. You were no longer in bastille. You were freed.
Random things just kept on shooting up in your conversation. Things you didn’t really asked he just kept on sharing it. And again, you were glad. He smiled as if the eight years have never existed. “Well, why should it even matter?”, you questioned yourself. You were only together for a couple of months and you told yourself that it wasn’t all that important. “It’s only a few months”, you said. So the eight years of not having been able to talk to each other didn’t really matter at all. Well, it shouldn’t.
It was hard for you to look him in the eyes, but you found it so amusing at how fun, easy going, and honest you both can still be with each other. You missed him. And you dared to admit that. You missed the feeling of having a meaningful conversation with a guy full of sense and humor. The one who’d take you to places even in your imagination. The one who’d be so interested to know about you, too. The one whom you’d learn so much from and who’d share with you his plans for the future and his life. The hours passed by without you even noticing it. Endless stories and silent how are you’s you must have said in your mind over and over again. Every utterance wrapped in sincerity and concern. The time drew closer and you knew you had to say farewell. It was so good ‘til it lasted. It felt right…and wrong at the same time. You hardly knew the person you were that night. In your heart was a sea of emotions, and in your mind a train of weird, uncalled for thoughts. You knew it was partly wrong to have thought that way. You knew it wasn’t all right, and yet you were tempted. There was so much more you wanted to say. So much to say, you wish you asked him to stay.
Cues in: ♪♪ What hurts the most was being so close…and having so much to say...and watching you walk away.♪♪
However, it had to end. The time you had of catching up was almost due. The rush and anxiety you felt as you thought of how you both were to part ways. You didn’t want to at the time. The three hours you spent with each other seemed like three minutes. “How could eight years be spent in three hours”, you asked. And there was silence. Indeed, there was so much more you wanted to say. So much to say, you wish you asked him to stay. So, he pat you on the back and you hugged him back. The warmth was there and you wanted to stay in that moment. It felt surreal. You were happy. It was a happy moment. Unclasping your hands to free him, you did with all your strength. And with the courage you had left, you kissed him on the cheek. You knew it might have been wrong, but you had to do it. You thought that you’d regret it if you couldn’t…if you didn’t and let that chance pass by. Regret, you did not want to feel. You heard him heave a sigh as you did, too. And so with the courage you had left, you kissed him on the cheek. And with the kiss was your silent goodbye.
It was like a dream. A good dream. And you woke up from it. Would it be too selfish if you wish to keep on dreaming?