The last time I wrote here, it was mid 2021 and I just welcomed the new year. But now, I'm down to the last 3 months of this year before I welcome another one, 2022. This year is passing by so quickly and slowly at the same time. How so? The 3 quarters went by fast for me. A lot had happened. From pandemic, RP world, fangirling, to depressive episodes, emotional rollercoaster rides and such. It went by fast in that sense. But now that I'm in the last quarter and dealing with another emotional rollercoaster hellava ride, the days and nights have been rather slow.

I don't want to delve into the other details anymore. Had it been a few months ago, I would have told a lot of stories cringe worthy and full of pure bliss and sadness. But now, I just want to tell a summary of it. 

Pandemic -- still ongoing. I guess there's no way out of this any time soon. We just need to learn to coexist with this and up our immune system and resistance. 

RP world -- It's been more than a year since I met the Tropa and Dears. Well, both of their roleplay accounts have closed already. Tropa ended around April. It was such a heartbreaking moment. It was so hard to say goodbye, but thankfully ('til as of this writing), Twan, Miggy, and Aize, sometimes still visit thru their admin account. The Dears ended around July. Although it was also a bittersweet time, I was more accepting of it since even before I was already prepping myself for their departure. And oh, the Boyfriends also closed their rp group way ahead of the other two. Anyway, bottomline is that they're all closed now and I guess it's mostly because everyone's kind of been back to their normal work and school stuff. Most are busy with their personal lives already so that's a given. 

Fangirling -- still the same, nothing much has changed. I miss meeting up with my fanfriends and organizing events. I refrain from buying merchs already. Also, I plan to sell my other kpop related stuff. 

Depressive episodes -- it's not just me..but my sister and I have been going thru such days and nights. We feel so out of it. No energy, lack of motivation to do anything, and just plain too lazy for things. Personally, I've felt so down and sad for no apparent reasons. Although that wasn't really new to me (since I've experienced that before), but this time just hits differently and more deeply. I feel helpless and hopeless at times especially with my unstable work. I don't know what to do with my life or what I want to pursue just so I can somehow sustain myself for this and the coming years. I've become so anxious and that I felt I was left behind or haven't been doing enough. I was tired even when I wasn't busy or doing a lot of things. I was mentally and emotionally tired. There were even nights I thought to myself that I just want to disappear completely. I want to end it and just vanish. Only then will I get the inner peace and quiet that I need and want.  

Emotional rollercoaster rides -- I think this one's self explanatory enough. I've been thru ups and downs, the highs and lows, the happy and the sad. Around April to September was the thrilling ride I've had this year. This is mainly because of my on and off romantic relationship with my Mahal. Sometimes we're okay, sometimes we aren't. At times I feel so carefree, but at times it's as if I'm walking on eggshells. We started out fine, been thru a rocky road too, then somehow surpassed it. But eventually, like what they say, all good things must come to an end. So, ours ended, too. It was abrupt and bittersweet. But it was a much needed confrontation and closure for the both of us. It was a mutual decision and I'm grateful that despite what transpired between us, we can still stay as good friends. I'm not saying that it was easy to accept or that I'm completely over it because I'm really not. It's prolly something that I'll just get used to and will eventually move on from as the weeks and months pass by. I am in no rush. I am letting myself feel what I need to feel. After all, Mahal has been an important part of my life this year. Mahal will always be special and important to me. There's always a place for Mahal in my heart. And with that being said, I'm just really thankful that we can still be part of each other's lives. 

2021 ain't over yet, but a part of me is anxious to get it over with. I don't know. Maybe it's cause I think that if the new year comes, then I'd prolly feel renewed also. Or that by then I've fully moved on and healed from the things that happened the year before. Or that maybe there'll be new opportunities for me next year. I don't really know, but I want this year to be over with. I guess there's still some anxiety left in me. And the days and nights are rather slow especially now that I'm in the process of moving on. I miss everything. I miss my old energy. I miss my positivity and optimism. I miss my fanfriends. I miss the Tropa. I miss Miggy. I miss Mahal. I miss the conversations. I miss myself the most. 

But I'm glad to say that whatever happened this year and what's to come for the remaining months, I did it all with no regrets and will continue to do so. I'd rather regret the things that I did and express rather than regret the things that I didn't do. At the end of it all, I can say that I did my best and I gave no less than what I actually could. 

To no regrets. 

Posted by mysticmalison on October 13, 2021 at 09:55 PM | Add a Comment


It's been 5 yrs since I've last touched ground here. Welcome, 2021? Welcome! 

Here's something I've noticed throughout the years. I've been coming here only when there were things I needed to let out and write. When I've been going through some highs and lows. And probably 5 or 4 yrs ago, there wasn't much to tell or I must've just really forgotten about this, too. 

But, here I am again. Just checking if this blog/journal of mine still works. It still amuses me, though, to see my old entries and witness how much of a mess and a mood swinger I was and probably still am. it amuses me how clumsy and dark, but real my old posts have been. And how much I've been missing and itching to write and compose again. 

Well, here I am again, 2021. So much have changed in the last few years, most especially in the year of 2020. There's a lot that I have and want to say, but let me savour this moment first. 

Let me bask in this new slate, this new beginning. 

Welcome me with open arms, 2021. 

Posted by mysticmalison on June 15, 2021 at 06:05 PM | Add a Comment

Paano bumangon?

Paano bumangon sa nakasanayan kong sandalan?

Sa himlayan na akala kong hindi mawawala..

Paano bumangon?

Nang hindi nanginginig ang mga tuhod

sa takot na mahulog pa lalo sa'yo..

Muli't muli nahuhulog sa'yo..

Nahulog na sa'yo..

Paano bumangon?

Posted by mysticmalison on February 26, 2016 at 10:59 PM | Add a Comment

Each day I struggle to find
A part of me hidden inside
I look and look and find no clue
As to where I am or even who

I scream out her name
In hope she will come back
The girl when she was sane/tame
Her life was still on track

The quest to search the end
I wake from this temporary insanity

Posted by mysticmalison on February 8, 2016 at 12:22 AM | Add a Comment

This is where I rest my thoughts..of thee and I departing..

This is where I rest my thoughts..of things unclear and hurt foreseen..

'til the hand strikes thirteen..

Currently feeling: drained
Posted by mysticmalison on January 29, 2016 at 08:09 PM | Add a Comment
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