I don't know what to feel. Can someone describe to me how being 'torn' and 'caught in a dilemma' may actually feel and look like? Because I think that's what I might be feeling now. 
No pressures they say. It's all voluntary he said and yet I feel this way. Is it so wrong for me to feel and want to let go and leave? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'd wake up the same day only to find myself in the middle of a dilemma on whether to stay or go. I could stay if only for the company of the people I'm with. I could stay because somehow a part of my heart wants to and I like what I do. I could stay, but I shouldn't. I shouldn't because I feel torn. I shouldn't because I cannot fully commit myself to the task at hand. I shouldn't because I feel there is something amiss, I can't give myself wholly and I'm afraid of the responsibility it holds. I shouldn't if I don't want to wake up the same day having to drag myself out of the bed to go out there, deliver, and be worse at having to fake it. I don't want to fake it. I don't want the day to arrive when a curved line on my face would actually be forced on me and I'd feel hell because of it. So I shouldn't stay.

I believe that if I'm meant to be there then eventually, no matter what happens I'll be there. Not now,  but in time I'll be there. I feel the need to think, reflect and pray about it more. I feel the need to find myself once again for I have been distracted and went over to different paths. I need to find my way again. But how can I do that if I find it hard to leave? It may be hard to let me go, but you need to do so. I'd like to take this dilemma and decision as part of my personal journey. We all talk about that and yes, I consider this as a part of my own. It's a hump on my journey that I must be able to go over and through with. All I ask is that you let me go. Let me go...so I can let God.